I drove a 2016 Audi A5 S-line Convertible in October of 2024 with the plan of writing an article about it. Yet, a whole year has passed, and I still haven’t written anything. It’s not that I don’t want to write, I do. As a matter of fact, I’ve been writing quite a bit, just not about this car.
So today I thought I’ll do what I said I’d do over a year ago.
Better late than never, right?

Like the Audi A1 I drove a while ago, the A5 is a perfect example of a good but uninspiring vehicle. It’s a competent car that does car things better than a bicycle would. I haven’t bothered writing about it because driving it is as exciting as sitting on the loo.
Thank the Lord this one is a convertible. At least, when the roof is down, you focus on how beautiful the scenery is as opposed to how boring the car feels.

Audi employees must ride the bus to work because they clearly don’t drive their cars, and there is no way they’ve ever driven anything that made them smile. If they had, they would realise that the only thing separating them from Mercedes and BMW is their lack of soul.  

This Audi A5 was my Dad’s daily for many years. If we’d asked him what he thinks about it, he’d say that it’s a good car, that the all-wheel-drive system is fantastic and that the 2.0L turbo four cylinder is fast enough and “you really don’t need more power”.
That’s also what an Audi engineer would say, because they both read the brochure and saw that most of the numbers on there were on par with their competitors.
However, if it really were that good, he wouldn’t have sold it.

Secondly, yes, the Quattro badge is kinda cool to have on your trunk, but, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter – most A5’s will live a very cushy life where the need for a rally-inspired AWD system is useless or, at the very least, overkill.

Thirdly, it might be a quick enough car on paper, but it doesn’t feel fast – and what my butt feels is what really matter.

The reason why my butt-dyno and the brochure don’t match is due to the same reasons the car lacks personality.
When my wife is grumpy, but she won’t tell me why, it bothers me. Same goes for cars; if it doesn’t communicate, I can’t tell what’s going on. In the Audi A5 S-line, the lack of communication comes in the form of very little cornering load in the steering wheel, a throttle pedal lighter than a feather throughout the whole rev range, and no engine noise to listen to even with the roof down. The only thing indicating I was over the speed limit was the blurry scenery through the window. It felt like a video game or a simulation. Sorry in advance for the comparison, but it’s like watching pornography, really. It tries its best to imitate the real thing, but it isn’t the real thing.

And, like pornography, even though it doesn’t fulfil you, you do it again – you go on another drive. It’s nice at first, then the feeling fades, and you realise that there should be more to this experience. That you’re lacking a little something, and that without it, it’s actually kinda sad. Ultimately, you know that the grass is indeed greener on the other side, but you made the dumb decision of being on the wrong side of the fence. And knowing that hurts even more…

So, what have we learned today?

Well, we learned that if you want to have an exhilarating time, maintain a good mental health and create a long-lasting happy memory, don’t buy an Audi A5 S-line convertible and don’t watch porn. Hop where the grass is greener, buy yourself an MX5 and find someone you love to sit on the passenger seat.

Thank me latter.

Max.